"I Do My Best Writing With My Feet"

There, I said it.  Feel free to quote me on that. As far as I can tell, I am the first to say it.  I Googled it and came up empty.  And Google is the final arbiter of our collective knowledge.  You can quote me on that too, based on a second Google search.  So I claim first rights, and I’m publishing these quotes in my blog to cement my claim to them. 

Famous people are quoted all the time.  For example, Mark Twain said, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”  Ben Franklin said, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”  One of my favorite quotes is from Woody Allen:  “Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

 

I may not be as famous as any of those guys – yet.  But I’m working on it.  In the three years since my first blogpost, I’ve had over 3,800 views of stuff I’ve written.  In fact, I’m almost world famous.  Recently, I had three views from Germany and one from the Ukraine.  Of course, I’m still searching for that one great piece of writing that will break the internet due to the traffic jam of readers flocking to my blog.

I’m not sure what sort of article that would be.  Perhaps I will write one that will tickle the world’s funnybone.  I envision people excitedly saying to one another, “Did you see Joe Karas’ latest post?  It’s hilarious!  I thought I’d die laughing.  And not only was it a real knee-slapper, it was extremely insightful as well.” 

I looked over the past year’s statistics from my blog to see which articles were the most popular.  Life is What Happens topped the list with 40 views.  For those that haven’t read it (yet), it is about the distractions that demand our attention when we’d rather be doing something else.  I’d rate it about a 20 on the humor scale, but maybe a 70 on the insight scale.   So maybe I should write more about life using the wisdom that comes with experience.  But perhaps I should endeavor to push the humor meter up a bit to further entertain my readers. 

The Green Gargoyle was a close second with 39 views.  This is the story of how I came to buy my antique car – a 1950 DeSoto.  I’d give it a 55 on the humor scale – a few dry chuckles, but probably no out-and-out belly laughs.  Was it insightful?  I’d rate it a 35 or 40.  It teaches that things may not be what they seem, or to quote Kwai Chang Caine from one of my favorite Kung Fu episodes, “Expect the unexpected!”  So was it the humor, the insight, or do people just like to read about cars?  Perhaps the latter because coming in third with 38 views was New Car Fever.  That post talks about my purchase of a Chevy Volt last spring.  My wife and I took a road trip in the Volt and visited Yellowstone National Park, but that’s another story, maybe for a future post.

Tied for third was the only poem I posted in 2015.  Ode to a Rainy Day is about the utter enjoyment that can be derived from a day when the rain never lets up.  It was not intended to be humorous, but it probably rates high for being insightful.  It is poetry after all, even if it was rejected when I submitted it the Post-Gazette.

So I’m left to ponder what would really excite my current readers as well as those who haven’t yet discovered my work.  Should it be humorous?  Insightful?  About cars?  A poem? 

I will give some serious thought to what would be the perfect article for my next post.  

The best way I know to do that is by opening my mind to being inspired and taking a long walk.  After all, I do my best writing with my feet.  You can quote me on that.

As Much As You Want

Here’s a mathematical puzzle.  When does infinity approach zero?  The answer?  It’s when infinity stands for unlimited vacation time, which is what some companies are now offering, according to a recent Pittsburgh Post-Gazette article by Steve Twedt.  Perhaps that’s a cynical view of a generous benefit, but I suspect it’s the invention of someone like the evil HR director, Catbert, from the Dilbert comic strip. 

First of all, there must be a catch, right?  There’s always a catch when HR unveils a new and improved “benefit.”  The article explains that you can take an unlimited amount of vacation, but only if you get all of your work done.  I spent 35 years working for various organizations, and I can honestly say that I never felt that all my work was done.  At best, my various projects were in a position where I felt I could put them on pause for a week or so without too much guilt or negative repercussions from my boss or clients. 

Then something stirred in my memory.  After working for a corporation that allowed me two weeks of vacation each year, I decided to take a job at a law firm.

“How much vacation can I take here?” I asked one of the partners.

“Take as much as you want,” he replied.  “Of course, we expect you to bill 2,000 hours a year, so you have to factor that into your vacation planning.  Plus, you need to be sure you’re not leaving any clients in the lurch while you’re away from the office.”

I did some quick math.  If I were able to bill 40 hours a week, which likely meant working 50 – 60 hours a week, it would take me at least 50 weeks to bill 2,000 hours. In other words, if I really worked hard, maybe I could take two weeks of vacation, though probably not all at once.  In fact, I found I was actually able to take very little vacation while working at the law firm, and after a few years, I went to work for a company that had a conventional vacation policy. 

Why else am I skeptical of this new benefit?  According to the article, employers believe that a policy of unlimited vacation time will improve worker productivity.  Now that might sound logical if you’re thinking that well rested and happy employees are more productive.  But is it possible that company executives believe that productivity will improve because employees would actually take less vacation or none at all?  I can imagine the following conversation around the water cooler:

“Hey Fernbaum, I haven’t seen you around. Where have you been?”

“I just got back from three days of vacation.”

“Three days!  How can you afford to be gone that long?  How did you get all your work done?”

“I didn’t, but I thought I could put everything on hold for a few days.  My wife took the kids to the shore, and I wanted to spend a couple days with them, even if it meant the boss would think I’m a slacker.”

“Well I guess with your laptop and cell phone you still were pretty connected.”

“Actually, I decided to unplug for those three days to spend some quality time with my family.”

“Really? Well, good luck with that.  You’re the first person in our department to do something that crazy.  In fact, you’re the only one I know of who took vacation time this year.  You’re not expecting a promotion any time soon, are you?”

“I thought we had unlimited vacation here.”

“Uh, yeah.  That’s the official word from HR.  You just better hope your clients have unlimited patience while you’re goofing off on a beach somewhere.” 

So maybe I’m a hopeless cynic and the company actually has the best interests of its employees in mind when offering unlimited vacation time.  But my advice is that when someone in HR suggests you give up your measly three weeks for unlimited vacation, you should tell them you wouldn’t be able to handle that much of a good thing.  Then run the other way as fast as you can.

Goose Goofs Off Day 2015

I’ve explained before in this blog what Goose Goofs Off Day (GGOD) is all about.  I started this holiday in 2005 and have celebrated it every year since.  This year is my 11^th or GGOD XI.  I use Roman numerals to keep track of them just like the Super Bowl, because GGOD is the Super Bowl of personal holidays in my book.

 

Some friends have suggested that as a retired person, I should celebrate several GGODs each year.  It’s a tempting idea, but I just can’t seem to make it happen.  At this point in my life, I am just too busy to goof off more than one day in 365.  Perhaps that will change as I get older and shed some of the responsibilities I’ve acquired, provided I can successfully dodge any new ones that come my way.

In keeping with my own personal tradition, I celebrated Goose Goofs Off Day XI in November – specifically on November 16.  What I like about November is that the weather can be so variable. Some years, cold temperatures and snow flurries have forced me to look for indoor diversions like visiting museums and art galleries.  Other years like this one, the weather was sunny and warm tempting me to spend most of the day outdoors.

 

This year, I left the house around 10:00 AM and walked to Phillips Park in Carrick to play a round of disc golf.  The sun was shining and temperatures were in the mid-forties, with the promise of warming to the 60s by mid-afternoon.  The fallen leaves were ankle deep in some places, but luckily I didn’t lose any discs or even spend an extended period searching for any errant throws.  Most of my shots were decent, if not spectacular.  I only took a few mulligans.  On hole #7, a fat trunked tree kept stepping into the path of my second toss.  I thought it was only fair that I not count how many tries it took me to outsmart this wooden creature and get my disc past him. On the ninth hole, a couple of his sylvan brothers tried to intimidate me, but I just picked up the discs that they swatted down and kept throwing toward the basket.  I got an honest 5 on that hole despite their efforts – no mulligans were necessary or taken.  Anyway, after completing the 9-hole course, I treated myself to a coffee and Bavarian cream donut at Dunkin’ Donuts before walking back home for a quick lunch.

 

By early afternoon, the weather was beautiful, so I wanted to spend a few hours goofing off outdoors.  On previous GGODs I had explored a number of County and State Parks, but I had never gone to North Park.  I checked out the Allegheny County website and saw that it had bike trails and hiking trails and was only about a half hour’s drive from my home.  So I loaded my bike and walking stick into the hatchback along with a few trail maps printed from the park website and arrived at North Park around 2:00.

 

I parked in the Boat House parking lot, got out my bicycle and found my way to the paved trail that loops around the lake.  It was a very pleasant 5-mile ride.  There’s a restaurant at the Boat House and I considered stopping in for tea and a snack, but it was too nice a day.  I took my backpack and walked to a picturesque spot beside the stream that feeds the lake and wrote in my journal about the wonderful GGOD I was experiencing.  By the time I walked back to the car, it was 3:30.  I drove to a parking lot closer to the hiking trails and hiked till about 4:30 when the sun was starting to get low in the sky.  I hadn’t hiked in a while and thought I was handling the moderate hills pretty well until a young guy came pedaling up the trail on his mountain bike.  Then I heard something behind me, and turned to see a guy in gym shorts in a full run down the trail.  Well, I said to myself, that’s O.K. for them, but I’m taking it easy today.  That’s what Goose would have said, after all.   

When I finished my hike, it was getting close to sunset and dinner time, so I got in the car and drove home.  After warming some leftovers, I drove into Oakland to listen to author Elizabeth Kolbert lecture on her new book, The Sixth Extinction.  I arrived home after the lecture around 9:30 and relaxed with a beer while watching some television.  I felt satisfied that I had done a good job of taking it easy on GGOD 2015 and looked forward to goofing off again in 2016.

Sassafras Tea

He stepped off the patio of the vacation home where he was staying with his family.  His wife and children had gone shopping.  He had begged off, desiring an hour of solitude before their next activity, whatever that might be. 

He could feel the heat starting to build as the bright, July sun climbed high into the cloudless blue sky.  The cool shade of the adjacent woods beckoned.  He decided to enter by the well-worn path that presented itself at the edge of the manicured lawn.  He breathed in the earthy aroma as he followed the path beneath the canopy of trees.  It stirred youthful memories of days spent exploring the woods near his boyhood home. 

“There’s a path we’ve never taken.  Let’s see where it leads.” 

It might dead-end at a cliff or a wall of undergrowth too thick and thorny to push through.  But it might also lead to treasure – at least in the minds of young boys. 

“Wow, I can’t believe someone threw this stuff away.”

“There’s a radio.  I’m going to take it home and see if it still works.”

A fork in the pathway interrupted his reflection.  A cluster of trees caught his eye and drew him down the trail to the left. 

Is that a sassafras tree? he wondered.  He examined its leaves and decided it might be a tulip tree.  His thoughts once again raced back to his boyhood rambles in the woods.  No, I’ll bet it is a sassafras tree, he thought as he looked more closely at the leaves.  There were three different types – a single lobe, another shaped like a mitten and the third looked like a trident with thick, shapely tines.  Only one way to tell for sure.  He plucked one of the leaves from a branch, stuck the stem in his mouth and bit down.  There it is – that root beer-like taste.

“Mom, how do you make sassafras tea?” he asked, looking up from his homework spread across the kitchen table.

“I’m not sure,” she answered as she continued ironing one of her husband’s shirts.  “Why don’t you try calling Ed and Wendy King on Party Line?”

Party Line was a show on KDKA radio.  People called in with all sorts of trivia questions or tried to guess the answer to puzzles that the hosts posed to their audience.  You never heard the voice of the caller.  Party Line was broadcast in the days before radio had figured out how to use a 5-second delay to censor rude or profane callers.  Instead, you just heard Ed or Wendy’s side of the conversation, which always began with one of them saying, “Hello, Party Line.”

His mother listened to Party Line most every night after his younger brothers were tucked into bed.  He was older and got to stay up till 10:30 or so, especially when Dad was working the 4 to 12 shift.  He had homework to finish and guessed that Mom appreciated the company while Dad was at work.

“I suppose it’s worth a try.  What’s their number?”

“Just listen to the radio.  They say the number every few minutes.”

He picked up a pencil and wrote down the call-in number the next time Wendy announced it.  He slid out of his chair and walked over to the black wall phone near the cellar door.  He lifted the receiver and dialed the number. 

“It’s busy.”

“Hang up and try again.”

He tried again.  Still busy.  And again and again.  Still busy.

After about 15 tries, his mother suggested, “Try dialing all but the last number.  When it sounds like they’ve hung up on a caller, dial the last number.  Maybe that will work.”

He tried his mother’s suggestion, but got the same result.  Twice, three and four times and still the annoying busy signal tone came out of the receiver.  Then, on the fifth try, the phone started to ring. 

“Mom, it’s ringing!”

“Please hold for Mr. King,” a voice said.  He listened intently for maybe thirty seconds.

“Hello, Party Line.”  It was Ed King.

“Hi.  I was wondering if you could tell me how to make sassafras tea,” he heard himself speak into the receiver. 

“I have a caller that would like to know how to make sassafras tea,” he heard Ed’s voice coming out of the radio.

“That’s a good question,” Wendy chimed in.  

He hung up the phone and sat back down at the kitchen table to listen for the answer.  Mom continued with her ironing, and Ed and Wendy took a station break.  When they returned, they were on to another caller’s question.

“They’re probably having someone research sassafras tea,” his mother said.  They listened for the next half hour, but neither Ed nor Wendy said another word about sassafras tea.

“It’s getting to be your bedtime,” his mother said as she gathered up the ironed shirts to carry to the bedroom closet.

“That was completely worthless,” he moaned.

“Maybe you should just dig up some roots and boil them,” his mother suggested.

He smiled as he pulled another leaf from the tree, stuck the stem between his teeth and started walking back toward the house.

And When October Goes

I should be over it now I know

It doesn’t matter much

How old I grow

I hate to see October go*

This past Wednesday was the 7^th day of October.  It also was the 62^nd anniversary of my entrance into this world.  I am retired, though I prefer the term, “self-employed.”  In other words, I have a lot of flexibility in my schedule.  So on the afternoon of the day I became eligible for early social security benefits, I decided to take a walk.  My walk took me to a graveyard that I visit quite often.  It’s not far from my home and contains pleasant curving pathways leading past an interesting mix of tombstones.  This cemetery also contains lots of trees that provide shade on warm summer days.  Its paths lead up and down hills which give me a nice workout.  

On this October day I noticed that the leaves on the trees were just beginning to change.  On my way to the cemetery, I saw one tree resplendent in reds, yellows and oranges.  Some of the trees in the cemetery had begun to take on a yellow-green cast.  But most of the trees still wore the dull, dark green of late summer.

As I walked along the cemetery’s pathways, one tall oak caught my attention.  It had just a few shocks of bright yellow within its crown of green.  It reminded me of a man whose hair had started to turn gray around the temples – a mature, distinguished look.  My own hair had once been dark brown, thick and wavy.  Too many years ago it had changed to salt and pepper.  Now it is pure salt.  I considered whether I was now in the October of my life.  If so, I hoped it was early October, but feared it was later in the month.  My leaves have already turned, but at least they haven’t yet fallen. 

I pondered 62.  Is that really so old?  In my forties, I never read the obituaries.  Now I read them every day.  I take note of the ages of those who have died.  Some are in their sixties; some are even younger.  In today’s paper, I noted that most are in their eighties and nineties.  That gives me hope.  On the other hand, my father had a heart attack at 57.  My brother had a stroke at 55.  My mother was stricken with cancer at 63 and died at 67.  My wife’s father died at 62.  But then there’s my uncle who is still active and going on 90.  More hope.  I have a photograph of my grandparents.  They must be in their early sixties because they both were dead at 65.  They look very old to me.  I think I look much younger, but maybe I’m just kidding myself. 

My mother died in mid-November – the 13^th to be exact.  My father survived his first heart attack and made it to December before the second one took his life.  I tell myself I have months ahead of me.  But I hate to see October go. 

* When October Goes, words by Johnny Mercer, music by Barry Manilow.  See Barry perform it on YouTube. 

Life Is What Happens

If someone had told me I’d be this busy in retirement, I may have continued working for a few more years.  My retired brother-in-law says that the most frustrating two words he hears are, “He’s retired.”  These words are not so daunting by themselves, but by what usually follows:  “He’s retired, so sure, he can . . .,” and then, just fill in the blank.  He can mail your package, pick up your suit at the cleaners, walk your dog, paint your living room, he can do anything you need him to do, because, of course, this retired person has nothing but time on his hands.

I had great plans for retirement.  I planned to practice my guitar until I got really good.  I planned to learn to play the banjo.  I planned to play some golf and spend some time fishing.  I planned to hike the area’s parks and bicycle on the various bike trails around Pittsburgh.  And mostly, I planned to write.  Writing would be my job.  It was my passion.  Writing is why I decided to retire early.  I would sit down at my desk each morning and start writing.  Maybe I’d begin with an article or letter to the editor to express my opinion on a controversial subject.  Perhaps I could sway public opinion to my way of thinking on that subject.  After that, I’d write some creative piece of fiction – a short story or maybe work on that Great American Novel that I felt I had in me somewhere.

But to quote John Lennon, “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.”    And life presented me with a number of volunteer opportunities.  I signed up for another term on the Board of a struggling, nonprofit theatre company and was appointed Chair of a committee that has kept me very busy.  I likewise signed up for another three-year term on a Board that oversees property in our Diocese, and I was promptly appointed President of that Board – an “honor” that I’ve found requires much more time than I anticipated.  I also continued to volunteer at my church in various capacities including as a teacher, lay minister, newsletter editor and sponsor of our acolyte program. Additionally, I agreed to participate in a literacy program at a local school where I read with a 2^nd or 3^rd grader.  I also volunteer at the school where my wife is a teacher, and, most importantly, I help her with correcting tests and occasionally other tasks in her classroom.  It is largely because of her encouragement and support that I was able to retire early, so the little I do to help her is small repayment.

Anyway, sometimes I consider all the volunteer work I do a distraction from my plans to write.  I am three years into retirement, and I haven’t yet published anything for which I’ve gotten paid.  But is money the ultimate barometer of success?  I’ve read several books on writing, and the authors invariably answer “no” to that question.  When I take the time to think about it, I realize that I am writing, if not doing some of the other fun things I planned to do in retirement.  I write 10 feature articles a year for my church’s newsletter.  I started this blog, and this is my 38^th post in less than three years. I’ve put together a draft history of my family vacations that is now over 225 pages long.  And I have written various articles and short stories that have either been published or might be published if I made the effort to submit them to a newspaper, magazine or publishing house.

Each week in one of the prayers at my church we ask God to “send us out to do the work you have given us to do.”  Doing God’s work is a part of the life that has happened to me in the past several years while I was busy making other plans.  So yes, I’m retired.  Let me know if I can do something for you.  It may even lead to a great story.

Shining Star

You’re a shining star, no matter who you are,

Shining bright to see, what you can truly be.

Shining star for you to see, what your life can truly be.*

Three years ago, I was on a cruise ship headed to the Bahamas with my beautiful wife and soulmate – who happen to be the same person.  We had a marvelous vacation, and on our return to Pittsburgh, I had just three more days to clean out my office before I walked into the first stage of what we call “retirement.”   At the time I told anyone that would listen that though I was retiring from my employer, I was actually just changing jobs.  After 31 years as an attorney, I would now begin a career as a self-employed writer.

 

Over the past three years, I have written a fair amount.  I started this blog, which now has 37 posts.  I’ve written countless journal pages describing my thoughts, activities and emotions.  I have gotten several articles published in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, and I’ve written a featured article each month for our church’s newsletter.  As an ongoing project I have transcribed and edited over 30 years of journal entries describing our family vacations, which I hope will provide treasured memories for my children.  And I have written a number of essays and short stories some of which I will seek to get published in one manner or another.  During this same period, I have become an active volunteer, serving on two boards, working in various capacities at my church and participating in literacy and education programs at two elementary schools. 

Despite the fact that I have kept myself extremely busy with my second career, I hedged my bets and remained on “active” status as a registered Pennsylvania lawyer.  I figured it was part of my financial safety net in case the writing didn’t work out.  Alternatively, I considered that it would allow me to practice pro bono if there was a cause I really wanted to support.  So each year I dutifully paid my $200 attorney registration fee and my local bar association dues and sat through 12 hours of Continuing Legal Education courses.  Beyond giving me additional second career options, remaining “active” let me maintain my identity as a lawyer.  “I may not be practicing law at the present time,” I told myself, “but I’m still a lawyer.”  In some ways, I was not ready to give up the “shining star” status of being an attorney.

But this year something told me that it’s time to give it up.  “If you’re going to be a writer, that’s where you should be putting your time and money,” I said to myself.  “Take the time and money you’d spend on registration, dues and CLE and spend it on a writing course or conference that might help you learn something about writing or help you get something published.”

Yesterday I attended a reunion with many of the clients I served during my career as an environmental lawyer.  Chatting with these dedicated professionals, some retired and some still working, satisfied me that I had had a legal career that I could be proud of.  But that career is in the past, and it is time to take the stage for the second act of my life’s work.  

So I reviewed the annual attorney registration form that I recently received in the mail and checked the box to indicate my “retired” attorney status.  Today I will put that form in the mail.  Then I will see if I can truly be a shining star as a writer and as a volunteer.  

* Shining Star, written by Maurice White, Larry Dunn and Philip Bailey and performed by Earth, Wind and Fire